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About my ex girlfriend

Cay was an amazing girlfriend. I loved every single thing about her. The way her dark curls fell against her shoulders, the way her golden brown eyes shone when she laughed. Her laugh, it’s sweet and bubbly and I could get drunk off just that laugh. Her long eyelashes, her beautiful cheekbones. And her lips. God, those lips. So soft and sweet. And kissing her was so great. Even somehow she tastes sweet. Like liquid jolly rancher. I love the random freckles that are scattered around her body, and I love her impossibly soft skin. I love her birthmarks, I love her hugs. How she pulls you as close as possible and kisses your cheek. And the kiss is so light you barely even knew she kissed you. I loved when she blushed, and I love when she spoke. I loved holding her and giving her piggyback rides. She loves those. I loved her body. Perfectly curvy and amazing hips and chest. She’s happy with herself. Which made her even more beautiful. I love her height, no tall, but not too short. I adored her smile. If she didn’t smile, neither did I. I loved her humor. She could make anything funny. I love how motherly, loving and caring she got when we started dating. I loved how jealous she got when I mentioned old girlfriends. I loved watching her play with my daughter. How happy and serene she was holding Marina. I loved how she smelled. Like cherry blossoms. Constantly, she was intoxicating. I loved her fear of thunder storms, it gave me something to protect her of. I loved playing sports or working out with her, she got so adorably competitive. I loved the sound she made, she’d squeak and squeal while I tickled her or when we would wrestle. How affectionate she’d get when she was drunk. She’d meow back to her kitten and purr just to confuse the animal. I loved how she would talk in her sleep, in that adorable voice of hers. Speaking of,  she sang cute too. She sang while doing anything, cleaning, showering, working was so damn cute. I loved how she could fall asleep anywhere, and still look like an angel. There was stuff I didn’t like too. How she talked to herself, how she cried when I mentioned killing myself. How she would get paralyzed in fear when she would remember something painful. How I can’t say the words fall apart around her, without tears coming. How she would always smile through the pain every time I hit her. How she has compassion for almost every damn living thing. How hurt she’d get whenever I insulted her. 

She was so sweet and innocent and amazing, I couldn’t handle it. When I realized she wanted to be with me for a long time, I gave up. She wanted forever with me. I wanted a mom for Marina, but Cassy’s fifteen. It wasn’t fair for her to give up, be my child’s mother and be with me. Plus, her obsession with her best friend. Every single time we were together, she mentioned JT. How great he was, how funny, and helpful, and smart he was. I don’t think she knew it, but she was in love with him. She still is too. And those things made me mad. She was supposed to be mine. And I knew she wasn’t. And I knew she’d forgive me if I took my anger out on her. So I hit her. I threw her down the stairs. I watched as she fell, tumbling down. And actually barely making a sound. She didn’t even scream. And I watched as she landed on her neck. I thought I killed her. And I watched as my baby, Marina, ran up to her, crying. And asking what happened. I lied to my three year old, saying she fell. But even after that I kept hurting her. I hit Cassy almost everyday. She never told a soul. She just smiled and said she fell.  I love her so much. I love everything about that girl. But I lost her. She gathered some strength I knew she had and yelled at me. Telling me that she didn’t know what to do, and walked out the door. And I know it was because of what I said. I told her she was worthless. That is so not how I feel. I told her I only wanted her for sex and that she was a whore. I ruined her. And I know it.

  1. hiddenoutside posted this